The ego is a conceptualization of ourselves that takes place in the form of a story, and is manifest in many aspects of our existence. We continually are articulating this story of who we are, to ourselves, and this development can possibly create not only dissonance between what we perceive to be who we are, who we actually are, and what others perceive us as being. The danger lies in clinging to this self narrative to strongly, or in a characterization of ourselves. In either case, we are bound to be disappointed, and this is the source of much of our anger and frustration. In the case where another makes a statement that contradicts our ego, we feel attacked, as the narrative of which we attribute to ourselves is not being recognized by others. This being-with-others, or mode of being which we inhabit in the presence of others, becomes modified by adverse reactions to this kind of criticism, as who we are goes under scrutiny. Could it be that we are not who we think we are? Could it be that the other person is ignorant of our true nature? How dare they give a contrary explanation to the being which I am? These are the necessary effects of an ego attack, and often times the individual will go on the defensive, attempting to instantiate in the mind of others the same narrative of which they created for themselves. How do we navigate these waters? What is the correct relationship we should have towards that part of our psyche which is the ego? Is it removable? Or just manageable?

It necessarily goes to say that a well-integrated psyche will contain a healthy ego. What constitutes a healthy ego is a narrative which goes hand in hand with the truth, to a greater degree than otherwise. There is no way we can possibly symbolize using words the exact experience of our lives, as that, literally, would take more than a lifetime. But it is possible, to a greater or lesser extent, that the narrative can be representative in a way which doesn’t contain any falsehood. This is a necessary step to a healthy ego. Secondly, we ought to understand how our narrative of self-hood is modified by the reaction we have to others inputs that seemingly attempt to undermine our own understanding of ourselves. These criticisms, in a healthy psyche, should be looked at as something we can learn from, not that we accept them as infallible, but accept the truth that the persona which we give off is interpreted in a certain way. Whether that is positive or negative, we must distinguish, and how we navigate that, and the importance we place on other’s opinions, is something we must individually decide based on the value the source has to us. I think the optimal way of dealing with such ego attacks, marked by a manifestation of emotional anger or irritability in response to someone else’s depiction of us, is to not be initially reacted upon. The spontaneous reaction and defense of our narrative, should not be our initial response to such claims, as that would impose a rectifying narrative, or unwarranted emotional repercussions, that could be avoided by a disciplined and patient temperament. Rather, an introspective look as to why and how such an interpretation could be made of us, as well as a look into how our actions could have portrayed such an image, as well as a comparison between who we actually are in relation to the claims made, all should be considered in order to make a measured honest response. We should always go into conversations with the intent of being able to learn something from the other person, in the case of ego claims, if what the person intuits isn’t actually representative of our nature, then we can learn at least that someone else interprets our character in a certain light, and discover why that is so. If it is contrary to our true intentions, in the interpretation of our actions, then we must seek to better clarify ourselves so the person isn’t guided by misinterpretation into who we are. This isn’t merely an egotistical defense, but rather an attempt to enlighten the other on something they understood as contrary to our motives, or simply to enlighten them on the context or rationale which they didn’t previous have present-at-hand. In other cases, the contrary opinion may actually tell something about ourselves we weren’t able to see, as we only have our own perspective to work from, it may serve as uncovering something which is altogether hidden up to this point from our own perspective.

Additionally, it is entirely possible that we may have misinterpreted the others conceptualization of ourselves wrong. While it seems obvious that either our narrative, or theirs, is either in alignment, or is wrong, it is additionally possible that the other person might not be misunderstanding our motives, but we may be misinterpreting the perceived ego attack as being contrary to our own narrative, when, if we ask for further clarification, it could be in alignment, we just misinterpreted their judgment upon us. The key, in general, in managing the ego, is to accept the narrative which we apply to ourselves as it truly is, as being fallible. It merely is our own conception of ourselves, from our own point of view, based on memories that often are faulty, based on self propagated stories which become farther away from us as time passes, and the stories become modified by each iteration of self editing which we necessarily compose.

The ability to grow, and to respond wisely to attacks upon our ego, is a mark of a well-integrated psyche. To remain equanimous, and not respond out of the manifested anger that arises out of a malevolent, or otherwise informative comment about the nature of our being, should be paramount. Responding out of anger, or defensiveness, in seeing our ego as permanent, as fixed by ourselves an infallible, we bar the doors to greater understanding of ourselves, and inhibit the truth from arising to the surface. Thus we should look at these moments of emotional turmoil in response to attacks upon our ego as opportunities to grow, to overcome, and if the claims are unsubstantiated, as a chance to respond with virtue and tranquility and to better the understanding of the other person. To allow the ego to be fed, in claims witch bolster it to heights undeserved, is another factor on the opposite side of the spectrum which we should guard against. As in the cases in which others undermine our character, we should guard ourselves against both our own fallibility as well as our own unwarranted acceptance of such statements, we should likewise not seek pleasure in the overstatement of our character, or the puffing up of content which is not in correct relation to the actuality of our being. While it feels good to be over appreciated, and we feel tempted to agree to content received in such a manner, this too can create a false narrative of ourselves, and this is something we should guard against, that is, if we value the truth more than pleasure. If pleasure is the motive, and vice is rampant in our lives, then we would seek to deceive and impose a greater image of ourselves onto the minds of others for their admiration, yet, if the goal is to be virtuous and truthful, as it ought to be, an accurate representation ought to be desired both in our own self-view, and in the view of others.

There are many relationships we have in which a correct view of ourselves is desired in the other person, and to them, we owe it to give them the truth, for what is love if what is loved is not truly who we are? Why would an honest man want recognition as being someone he’s not? We should strive to be given our fair due, and to allow others to view ourselves as we truly are. Effort put forth in understanding ourselves, by input from the outside world, and through introspection, is thus invaluable in correctly and healthily integrating the ego into the totality of our psyche. If we wish to grow in knowledge, and avoid deception, it starts in an honest depiction of ourselves, at least one not founded on lies, and expands from there. The ego can be troubling, it can cause us to experience unpleasant emotion, and in reaction to such emotion, we can act in ways which we may later regret. The correct integration of it, and response to its manifested emotion, better serves us to navigate our lives. If we can better handle the emotion as well as the spontaneous reaction, we can have a better relationship with those who are important to us, to the outside world in general, and more importantly, to ourselves.